I returned to Bali a couple of days after posting my previous blog The Bali Journey – my own version of Eat, Pray, Love. My phone was going off the hook! Messages, calls, comments, texts. The support I received was incredible and the amount of people who shared their stories or feelings was overwhelming. I knew some people would relate, but I had no idea just how many.
I got on the plane exhausted from a week in Cairns catching up with friends, packing my apartment, tying loose ends and with very little sleep. But I felt good, content, better than I had in a while. Part of me was wondering why I was going back to Bali so quickly when everything felt so great at home. I was surrounded by friends and my boyfriend, I had support coming in from around the world.
But before the plane even took off I was shown why and again in the few days that followed.
A lot of people wondered why I was going back to Bali, alone, after having this experience and realising all of the things I did in my month there. But I knew I wasn’t fixed and I knew if I just leaned on my friends and boyfriend for support then it would again be a momentary feeling of being healed and it wouldn’t be long before I slipped back into my old “ways”. And I was right. The first few days in Bali I was stressed, overwhelmed, feeling lonely, out of alignment.
I got on the plane where I was seated in the first row which is an emergency exit row. I’ve flown more times than I could begin to count, however still have a fear of flying, which I plan to ditch as I get rid of all the other anxieties in my life. I have a routine when I get on the plane. Eye mask on, headphones in, neck pillow around my neck, valium down the throat. Then I try to sleep before take off so once I wake up in the air I’m already relaxed. Well, the flight attendants weren’t having a bar of that. I didn’t realise you weren’t actually “allowed” to be wearing an eye mask if you’re in the emergency row. The first row isn’t a place I can ever remember sitting and its right opposite where the flight attendants sit for take off so they made it very known to me and the rest of the plane what the rules were.
The cabin manager tapped my leg for attention and said in a snarly tone that I had to have my neck pillow fully behind my head. I nodded and did as she did, however I didn’t hear her say I couldn’t wear the eye mask as I had music playing through my headphones. So I put it back on to try to sleep, which must have angered her thinking I was some ignorant passenger trying to ignore the rules. She tapped on my leg again and yelled at me in a voice that half of the plane would have heard. I took off my eye mask, told her I didn’t hear her and then was so, so angry at the way she spoke to me I cried. I burst into tears right in front of them, angry at myself for getting upset and being so weak. This was the exact moment I knew I still had some work to do as I let my anger and emotions completely take over my being.
I sat there so angry at this woman, I ran through a script in my head of everything I would say to her once the plane was in the air and we could have a private conversation. I was angry that she didn’t consider I could be afraid of flying and in fact wasn’t being ignorant like I presumed she thought. I thought “this woman fucking hates her job, the miserable old bitch.” I thought of what I would write in the complaint letter to the airline. I was consumed. Once the seatbelt sign went off and before I had my chance to deliver my speech, write my complaint letter or continue to be angry she apologised and made it her mission to treat me like a first class customer for the rest of the flight. She delivered me tissues and water, gave me a free cup of tea, talked me through the turbulence and bumps, smiled and assured me everything was OK.
And there I learned a lesson. That before we judge people we need to consider what they might be going through. She yelled at me before considering I could be afraid of flying and was in fact not ignoring her. I judged her before considering that maybe she was having a bad day and that she did actually have a heart. And that is one thing we constantly forget to consider when we’re walking through life. We humans are quick to judge and we all have so many issues dictating how we treat people, react to situations and how we determine the outcome.
This is where the second part of my Bali Journey began. And the universe was showing me I was still on the right path and was exactly where I needed to be.
During my week in Cairns I spent the first few days hiding out in a friends apartment on the beach with my boyfriend. We relaxed, swam in the pool, went for huge walks on the beach and really began the start of our new relationship. I returned to manifesting exactly what it is I want in my life and asking the universe to guide me. I felt like I’d really come through all the darkness and the realisations and now was my time to create the life of freedom & peace that I wanted so much.
One afternoon Ben and I were walking on the beach, during sunset, all of the locals were out walking their dogs, trying their luck fishing, building a sandcastle or soaking in the last of the days sun. Just a few minutes into our walk we saw a guy walking some sort of Miniature Horse or Shetland Pony – I’m not even sure what it was! It was the cutest little thing, on a lead, with a little yellow flower in her mane, surrounded by people taking pictures. We stopped for a look and a picture and were laughing about what an odd creature to see on the beach. We’d long forgotten about her an hour into our walk on our way back to the apartment when we saw a guy holding a Teacup Piglet while talking to some people. It was the cutest fucking animal I’ve ever seen! He finished talking to his mates and then put the piglet down and started to walk along the beach. The piglet scurried along right behind his owners feet, his little legs going a million miles an hour. I was in love and demanded one for my next Christmas present.
We were almost back at the apartment by this point and I said to Ben “Do you think I can manifest seeing another unusual pet being walked on the beach before we get back?” He laughed, but I manifested it anyway. Not more than 3 minutes later I see a guy about 50m away with something bright red, doing flips around his forearm. As we got closer we saw he was walking with his bright red pet Parrot along the beach, the Parrot happily doing flips around his arm as he walked. Apart from the fact that I obviously live in a zoo this was manifestation at its finest, showing me no matter what you manifest its all possible when you trust the universe to deliver it!
The blissful state
One of the things I discovered only a few days into my return to Bali was that I had completely changed my “story” or my “programming” that I hated being alone. I had always said; I’m not an alone person, I hate being on my own, I don’t like my own company. Now I fucking love it! Not that I’d choose it all the time, I am a social butterfly after all, but I really loved just hanging with myself. For the first few days I didn’t interact with anyone except people in shops or my building manager. I worked long hours for my business, but still had plenty of time to walk alone on the beach, cook dinner in my apartment, watch a TV series, write, read and just totally relax. It was so refreshing to be able to be alone without missing anyone, without longing for company, being upset that I was sleeping alone or hadn’t hung out with any friends. It was peaceful.. And peace was one thing I was longing for when beginning this journey in the first place.
I spent around 2 weeks feeling as though I was walking on water. For the first time in my life my thoughts were majority positive, not one insecure thought entered my mind (not one!!) and I was radiating peace, love & light. I loved myself, I was confident, I was happier than I think I’d ever been before. I thought, can this really be? Can I be in this state already after just changing 28 years over programming over less than a few months? But I was determined to remain on this frequency. I wasn’t trying to “cheat” the universe and stop working on myself so I still tried to dig deeper every day into anything that could need facing or dealing with. I wasn’t trying to stir the pot with myself, I just simply knew there had to be more. So I focused and I wrote, I pinpointed any little situation that made me feel out of alignment; I tried to tackle my feelings of guilt with spending money, I looked into a relationship with a family member and why we couldn’t connect. The point is, I didn’t give up.. And I felt good.
I spent this time throwing myself into the business, going to the beach for sunset every day, getting massages, meeting up with visiting friends, jumping on my Scooter and going to explore different parts of Bali, visiting epic beach bars, trying to learn to cook Indonesian food at home, just being on my own and giving myself a routine to this life here in Bali. When I would meet with visiting friends I would “treat” myself by taking them to an amazing Beach Bar/Club or Restaurant, my favourite thing to do in Bali. The bars, restaurants and clubs here are out of this world! Amazing decor, settings, staff, incredible food & cocktails. To think the first time I came to Bali years ago I hated everything about it; the food, the people, the craziness. It didn’t help that I had “Bali Belly” and dengue fever (unknowingly at this point), but I just never imagined coming back. Now I am in love with the food, the people, the atmosphere, the beach life, everything.
I found myself a studio apartment the day after I arrived in Bali and I loved my little space. I continued to go to Al-Anon meetings, I met with Lisa (the psychic I speak about in part one of this blog – now a friend and great support.) I started a small Facebook group with some friends and people I knew who were on the same frequency as me, had some or all of the same beliefs about the universe and created a space where we could share and support each other in that (if you’d like to join please ask!) I watched videos and read new books & blogs that would help my development and understanding. I really threw myself into this new world, as a new me, praying for a continually peaceful outcome.
And then the universe propelled me back into darkness quicker than I could try to take a breath.
Just as an addict going through rehab there is the high possibility of a relapse, I guess this time in the spiritual sense. And I had that, boy did I have that. Almost 4 weeks back in Bali and it hit me so fucking hard I felt almost as bad as I did when I first hit my rock bottom. I could see a speck of light at the end of the tunnel this time, but that was the only difference to before. I was angry, so so angry; at the Universe for giving me a taste of peace & bliss and then snatching it from me completely and throwing me back into complete darkness. And I was ashamed. So ashamed in myself, so disappointed in myself for allowing it to happen, not understanding why it was happening and for behaving in the same way I had spent the past few months trying to change. I reverted back into self pity, being the victim, wanting to blame everyone else and everything, I was desperate for love and for someone else to fix it. I’d totally given up. And the vicious cycle began and its a much easier trap to fall in than it is to work your way up to peace and love at this stage in the journey. So I wallowed in self pity, I cried and cried, I hated myself, I looked like shit, I was exhausted. This went on for days. I didn’t talk to anyone because I felt like a failure. I felt like a fraud for boasting about how amazing I felt the week before and then here I was, the old me, back and just as fucked as before. And I was sick to death of telling everyone about my fucking problems and feelings.
In this week I went to an Al-Anon meeting, in the hopes of feeling better, finding some new information that could help me. And I left feeling like shit because I’d decided that because I didn’t share in that meeting that I wasn’t worthy of being there. I didn’t deserve to be in that room if I wasn’t going to open my mouth and share with the group. I literally could not speak. The week before I shared for the first time and I hated every second of it. I don’t know what I said, my voice was shaky, I almost instantly was in tears and my legs were shaking for 20 minutes afterwards. I allowed my fear to completely consume me the next week and then I decided I would never go to a meeting again.
Every day of my relapse I would start my days with the best possible intentions. I would write in my journal and manifest everything I wanted. I would write what I was grateful for, what I loved about myself, my plan for the day to return to peace. And by the end of every day I had failed. Then I felt worse because of failing and so before I knew it I was 6 days into this relapse and I was on my knees with it. I was desperate to claw my way back, whatever it took.
Then began the climb back to peace. And I’m not talking about a little climb up a hill, I’m talking a trek up a treacherous trek up a steep mountain. Because the problem with allowing yourself to wallow in self pity and become a victim, feeling sorry for yourself & beating yourself up is that by the time you say “fuck this, I don’t want to be here anymore” you’ve beaten yourself down to despair. Back to zero confidence, self worth, belief in yourself and trusting in the universe. Its like starting from scratch and its frustrating, so unbearably frustrating. So much so that you want to stay in that state of darkness because the mountain above seems too high to conquer when your soul is tired and your body exhausted. But the thing is, by this point you’ve been given the taste of bliss and you know how fucking delicious it is! You’ve been there, you felt it, you walked on water, you saw it was possible and available to you. And in the back of your mind that is what picks you up and drags you up that mountain, one step at a time, one baby step or leap, depending on the day.
Some days you ache and you want to give up. Some days you take leaps & bounds with the top of the mountain in sight, so within reach, it keeps you pushing & pushing for more.
Now, once you reach the top of the mountain again is it possible you’ll fall right back again? I don’t know, I don’t know the answer and my journey is still new, but I’m going to say its highly possible. At the moment I really decided to return I was clutching at straws, just keeping my head above water. And its possible it will happen again. And why does it happen? Because the Universe is showing you that you still need to dig deeper, and deal with this now, rather than later. When you commit to a spiritual awakening you don’t want to do a little bit here and a little bit there and then come back to this darkness again years later. I know I never want to be back there again and I want to be in a constant state of bliss every day of my life. I’m aware that its impossible to live without one negative thought or bad feeling, however I believe we can learn to acknowledge and let them go, rather than hold on and create a domino affect. And I also know the Universe wouldn’t throw this all at me if it didn’t know I could handle it right now.
Right now in this very moment I feel really great! It has only been a few days since the end of my “relapse” and since I decided it was time to push myself back completely. So although I don’t feel like I’m walking on water, I feel incredible, & more than anything I feel grateful. My man arrives in Bali tonight and over the next month I have tons of friends visiting. I’ve completed so much with my business the past few weeks and its really growing every day. So its time to fucking relax, explore, adventure, get drunk once in a while, party, travel around Bali, eat (not that I haven’t been doing that excessively anyway), try something new and have some fun. I’m not forgetting about the path I am on; I will still attend meetings, I am having some NLP sessions, I will journal every day and have “me” time. I am ready for the next chapter. Whatever you’ve got for me Universe, fucking bring it ON!
Check out Part 1 of this blog
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